Lately, I’ve had many opportunities to examine the meaning of friendship. I know generally what most folks believe, and it makes sense that people with similar backgrounds, beliefs, interests, goals and aspirations would come together to form close bonds; supporting one another through good times and bad. But, there are other aspects that have never quite resonated with me. And I call that other stuff “the junk.” What is the junk? The ”shoulds”; the expectation that one must be present for every dinner party, fundraiser and hangnail surgery; the belief that love is measured by how much we are willing to show up for one another.
Now granted, most of us will say that we as individuals define friendship for ourselves. We create categories (acquaintance, good friend, best friend, etc.) and we label our friends accordingly. But far too often, regardless of how we choose to define our friendships, I have seen folks act; not from a place of deliberate choice, but out of concern about how others will judge or interpret our behaviors. What will I look like if I don’t go the party? What will people say about me if I don’t want to rush over to Sheila’s house for the 50th time to console her through yet another breakdown over some romantic tragedy of her own making? What if I just plain don’t want to attend the opening of Kelly’s brother’s girlfriend’s mama’s cousin’s soul food restaurant? Should my friendship card be revoked? Am I being selfish? And often, these questions drive our actions. We show up to preserve our “good friend” image, not because we truly want to be present. Our focus is on what we stand to lose-inclusion, support for a future project or endeavor, or maybe a reputation for being the “go to” person. Somehow, our willingness to be present and supportive takes a turn and becomes an act.
We have all experienced the pressure to act like a good friend at one time or another; some more often than not. When we act like a friend, we give of ourselves; not because we truly want to, but to ensure that we don’t come up short on the good deeds list. We want to make sure that our image remains intact, so we check off every gift given, every party attended, and we carefully monitor our number of show ups. But in an authentic friendship, there is no keeping score. And for this reason, we must ask ourselves how we inspire friendship in others. Do we create pressure or do we allow our relationships to flow; embracing our friends for who they are and how they choose to show up? When our focus is on the act of friendship, we miss out on the best part – the opportunity to see who we are being when all the junk is stripped away.
Admittedly, I have been challenged with friendships where the depth of those relationships has been measured by the number of good deeds performed and the number of “amens” shouted in the sister circle. But, I have also been extremely blessed with deep, long-term friendships where through it all, love, mutual respect, and acceptance have been the ties that bind. In these relationships, who we are being when we choose to show up is more important than the test of how far we are willing to go to prove our commitment and dedication to one another. The showing up is authentic because we know that in the end, it’s quality that matters; not quantity.
